What not to put in the program bio for your first play

A little side-effect of working in theater education.  Most everything here is cribbed from or imitates actual bios.
Hope EE, New York, NY, was born and lovingly reared by her father and  spinster aunts in the tiny hamlet of Ashford in the unfashionable end of New York State. She discovered an irrepressible passion for acting at a very young age, when at the tender age of five she took on the role of Elizabeth Proctor in the St. Aloysius school production of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. The nuns were positively blown away by her tears as the 7-year-old girl playing her husband was hanged for witchcraft. From there she was hooked like a big mouth bass on the Field and Stream network, and spent the next two decades pursuing any role she could get her hands on including performing at county fairs, dog and pony shows, 4H conventions, Nascar rallies and the American Globe Theatre in Manhattan. She currently co-stars as the voice of Ring Toe on the wildly popular webseries Emma’s Feet. Hope would like to thank her family, step-family, friends, coworkers, tattoo artist, Chihuahua, goldfish, stuffed bunny collective and Russian shoe-repairman for all their boundless true love and support. She also owes it all to Jesus. Love ya, Baby Jee.


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