Remember when you were a kid and you would get home from a night of trick-or-treating and spread all your candy out on the floor, carefully prioritize it according to deliciousness and proceed to eat 3/4 of it that very night?Well, I remember that. Those were good times, despite the persistent gastritis and potent mood swings that always accompanied the first week of November.

Now imagine you’re an adult and you realize that all the enormous bags of unsold candy go on sale for half price at Duane Reade the week after Halloween. What do you do?

There is a reason they are called Fun Size. It is because it is extremely fun to walk around the subway with a large plastic bag padded with discarded individual Starburst wrappers. The pink ones are still the best. Just like I remember.

The thing I love about adulthood is all those small pleasures I used to wait and wait and hope for as a child are readily available for purchase to me. That, and the sex.

Ponder this. I’ll be in the bathroom. Hallucinating.