Tag Archives: rants

No One Really Loves Traveling

If you’ve ever online dated or read the interests section on a resume, it might seem like we are a nation of wanderers. You know: I love movies, sports, traveling.

I always felt alienated by this because I hate traveling. I love being new places, seeing cool stuff and learning how other people live, but the process of getting there–the actual TRAVEL part–fills me with dread. Planes are claustrophobia-inducing. I have severe packing anxiety. Hotels make me feel like I’m in the beginning of a slasher film, and I can never sleep thinking about how many other bodies have shed their skin cells on those mattresses (you’re welcome).

Which leads me to think everyone else is a liar.

No one likes flying, except maybe prop plane pilots. They seem like they’re having fun.

No one likes waiting in line for tickets, for bathrooms, for transport.

Sure, it’s nice when you get there. But I really think people ought to be more specific.

No one actually likes to travel. What we like is arriving.

Just sayin.

 

Diatribe Fridays: Seriously, brunch?

It’s not Friday, but this is my space and I do what I want. My weekend starts on Monday, actually. It’s a life I chose. I’m not complaining. I will occasionally complain when someone has a life event on a Saturday (my most lucrative day!) or asks me to go to a bar on a Friday night like some kind of plebian. But in general, I love having the mid-week days off when I can do my laundry unimpeded by competition. So it’s not the fact that I have to work every Sunday, even though even thousands of years ago people decided it would be a good idea for everyone to have one day off work per week to chill, that bugs me. It’s the following. Strong language ahead!

The facts in the case of Brunch is StupidContinue reading

Hatefest

Since the news of the world and the buzz around my office has been aglow with love and goodwill (notice: took down the Bush countdown! na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey…) and I’m in process of signing on to volunteer long-term with one of the best NYC charities EVER (which I’m not linking to cuz I don’t know how they would feel about that. Suffice to say it has to do with thrift stores) and the world seems like a rosier place all around despite impending doom…I’ve decided to dampen everyone’s spirits with a random list of stuff I hate more than just about anything else in the whole world. It’s like the conclusion of Bush43’s reign of imbecility has left a huge void in the bile-and-hatred section of my brain. So here’s a rather unorganized list. Please add to it in comments.

Stuff we hate

Paper – it’s obsolete
I don’t know why people still print things. And it annoys me when companies, like, say, the IRS, make me print & sign stuff for my electronic tax return. Cuz I don’t have a printer. That’s why I’m e-filing. Losers.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with you”
This is an essential catchphrase for anyone charged with writing condolence letters to people they don’t know very well. I used to get paid to write these letters. I know… it’s just a figure of speech. But really: stop saying this like you’re going to go home and pray about it. Unless you actually are, then please leave me out of it. I have enough problems with the supernatural without your guff sending the hereafter mixed messages.

Just say: I’m sorry your {blank} died.

Robert Heinlein
As a SF nerd, I am always confronted with compatriots who just loooove Heinlein. And then I have to stop being their friend. Because anyone who thinks that Stranger in a Strange Land is brilliant writing is thinking like a 16-year-old boy with a cheesy moustache. There, I said it.

Incessant Photo Snapping (and rude people in theaters)
This clip from Patti LuPone was terrifying for many people, but honestly it kind of made her my new hero. As my friends and family will attest, I have on a number of occasions ranted this same rant at those around me who continue to flash their goddam cameras in my face while I’m trying to have a conversation or eat a damn meal. The question that always plagues me is, well, Can’t you just REMEMBER this instead?

And the gall of people raised in a spectator society to blatantly ignore announcements about photography and turning your cell phones off… the stupid and the oblivious of the world have narrowly escaped getting smacked in the back of the head by a size 9 wedge heel simply because I just lacked Patti’s chutzpah to actually articulate:

So what pushes YOUR buttons?