Tag Archives: silliness

Notes from the Tardy Front

[I wrote this as an exercise last year and I kind of liked it. That’s all. Ain’t that what blogs are for?]

TARDY
My mother reports that I arrived in this world one and a half weeks past due, at 11:00 am on a Saturday. This is the time I’ve awoken, sans-­alarm clock, for as long as I can remember. In middle school, my friends changed the meaning of “EST” to mean “Ewing Standard Time,” which averaged 30 minutes behind the clock time of whatever time zone myself or one of my parents occupied. From that first dance recital onward, I’ve told my family that events start an hour before they actually do, and I’m aware and grateful that my friends do this to me. One time the priest at the 65­-parishioner church in our 900-­person town made a pointed sermon about being on time for God, very obviously not to looking in the direction of the pew where my mother and our brood had shuffled to fifteen minutes into the service. Because, you see, it’s inherited. I am a late person in a long line of late people. On behalf of multiple generations, let me beg your pardon.

I know the arguments, they are solid. Tardiness is evidence of a lack of respect. If you make someone wait for you, it means you don’t care about them. If you can’t get off your butt or stop what you are doing ten minutes earlier, you clearly think your time is worth more than everyone else’s. It’s hubris, disregard. It’s all the things that break personal bonds and endanger the social order. Except, it’s not. Not really.
The problem is not the respect between the late and the on­ time. Given the choice, I would not select living in a state of perpetually asking forgiveness. I left Catholicism when I left my little hometown, much for this reason. There is no satisfaction in crashing through a door, being greeted with annoyed stares and eye rolls. I know, I know it’s the worst.

So why, the earlies ask, why don’t you just not be late? Well, I’ll tell you.  Continue reading

Gender Normatize Your Infant with Baby Wigs

Our patent pending HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girl’s (with little or no hair at all) the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!!

Tired of the humiliating ordeal of having strangers coo over your adorable baby, just to have them ask “Boy or Girl”?  That pink onesie and princess stroller not screaming sufficient second-sex?

Must the little ladies of the 0-2 set miss out on 24 solid months of being as ATTRACTIVE AS POSSIBLE? Not any more — not with BABY WIGS.

Baby wigs are made from the tails of unicorns and lined with pixie leather. Just consult the website: Their unique designs are sprinkled with MAGIC! Get a jump on that Princess phase, lord knows you will never get sick of it.

Shouldn’t you be doing all you can to improve little Madison’s chances of being Top Girl at daycare? Getting a jump on the hair competition will give her advantages in all other Girl pursuits.  She’ll be in earrings by 4, lipstick by 6, and belittling her fellow female classmates in a desperate struggle for social standing by 7.

Everyone knows girlhood is just one big pageant, kids, and with the right baby wig, your progeny will be the winner! Don’t hesitate: It’s never too early to teach your daughter that she must change her physical appearance to fit in.